The Buffer Time of No Control

6th September 2016

The first smiles of the day!

Do you see the culprit?

Our day went as planned (somewhat), we got out later than we should have and the traffic was not our friend today. But, that happens all the time anyway and we had planned for that (maybe?). Nonetheless, we reached the airport with time to spare. But, the one thing that was at the back of my mind was that I had not weighed in one suitcase. I brushed it aside considering that I had minimized my stuff by a long shot. But, I was wrong. And what ensued was drama, A-Class drama.

(-__-)

I did not suspect the culprit. Isn't that what a true detective at least thinks about? I did not. My trusty guitar case was a massive 12 kilograms! And thus, we easily exceeded the limit allowed. This is where the drama started.

1. They didn't allow us to take some stuff out from the bags that had to go to cargo and transfer it (magically) into our hand baggage (we were carrying less anyway)
2. They said that we had to pay about 270 € for the exceeded weight
3. When they did finally allow us to transfer the weight (raised voices, supervisor, etc.), we still exceeded the limit by a meager amount (3 kilos...)
4. This meager amount could only be accepted by paying about 100 €!
5. This led to more drama and a ticket to the next level in the hierarchy of the airline

This was when I couldn't handle the drama anymore and went to fill in the immigration forms a.k.a I ran away! My parents finally dealt with it after about 20 minutes but they ended up paying the airline the last sum. Our next problem was that we were now very very very late for our flight. Some people from the airline we were travelling in tried (did nothing really) to escort us past the Immigration and Security as quickly as possible (they just kept telling us that we must hurry). The officers in the security check were extremely understanding as they let us pass and get our bags out as soon as possible. We then ran (almost) to the gate where we inevitably found people boarding at a leisurely pace.

Can you feel the sweet-bitterness?

And then, life was ok again, because "I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again dum dum dum dum dum duuuuuum"

10 Million to 100,000 people

Clear skies ahead! Pushing forth, it is like all the sadness is gone, all the worry evaporated just as my flight left the soil of home. "Home is where your heart is", they say; but, I say  that it is where you are yourself the most. I feel the most like myself when I am alone in a foreign environment. I become the person I am, the person I choose to be. And of course, that changes with the environment itself.

(^__^)

We are still in the Indian gravity's grasp

"Books are the best means -- private, discrete, reliable -- of overcoming reality."

A crash here would be sweltering 

Do you spot the linearity in the background? Or are you fooled by the light? We all want to be fooled by the light.

Sunset in DXB

15 hour layover in Duty Free = pretend sleeping

Amid the duststorm my mind is brewing, I feel hope

I wonder if I'll ever go somewhere without last minute worry. I feel like even if I pack in advance (which I didn't) I would still run around because I forgot to put something elementary in. It is sad but funny that every journey has a buffer time of no control.

The Abstract Distraction

5th September 2016

Symphony of Colours

We always need to distract ourselves when preparing for something new, else worries flood your brain. So I decided to paint, yes, it is a time consuming process and I bought a really large canvas (30 x 40 inches), but my father wanted a painting that he could put in an empty wall of our house and so I embarked on my abstract strokes of uncertainty. I started the journey imagining colours that bring me happiness, I have never understood what my paintings depict so I started out with this simple thought. I feel that an amazing piece of art can evoke an amazing emotion heavy with depth and every piece of art therefore has some level of emotion attached to it. Just like all humans can feel emotion to different extents.

This distraction sure is paying off. But I always have this fear that something is missing, all the days of planning (about a month for me) sometimes cannot eradicate this fear. I see this fear in my dreams. I pay more attention to my dreams, especially my nightmares, since they provide deep insight into our buried emotions.

(^__^)

I wonder if the airlines will start charging people for being overweight, maybe that would motivate us to watch out belly. It's odd how we can fit our whole lives into bags that we can carry. I mean, our things show aspects of our lives, choices that we have made and habits that we nurture. To quantify that in a weight on an aeroplane is hideous and abominable. But it's not like we're flying into death camps where we can't buy anything to survive. We buy, we use, we throw away, it's what humans do. We are so quick to move our eyes away from things that we haven't solved; we just stop paying attention to it after a while. It is like we get bored of seeing poor people and trash and we block it from our vision, from our lives completely. We live in a world where we the heroes and heroines of our story and everything should revolve and resolve itself around us.

(^__^)

Why do we run from the truth? Why do we hide? Why do we bring ourselves so far behind the veil? What do we accomplish in doing so? Does our time go any slower or faster? Why do we worry about events that are not in our control? 

Far too many questions. Sometimes, too many questions stem from not asking the right question. What are we running from?

But, this basic question is too far away while we are in our distraction.

Fears surface

4th September 2016

I have so much stuff! I had no idea that I needed so much stuff to function in life. Just putting everything out in view really changes my perception about how much "extra stuff" I have as compared to how much I thought that I had. Just looking at it I understand that it will not fit into my suitcases. I have to remove some stuff. I must.

(^__^)

1 feel like I'm already adjusting to the time difference, late nights here equal early to bed in Italy after all. Maybe I subconsciously started doing it to ease my future mind. Well, that's what I keep telling myself, I'll find out in about two days anyway.

It's amazing how terrified we can become of things unknown to us. Especially since I'll be sharing a room with someone who I have never met or know. I imagine good days and bad days, worst case scenarios are the best considering that the reality would always be slightly better than those fictional frightening embarrassing scenes concocted by myself.

(^__^)

My thoughts keep shifting constantly to avoid my situation and my mental state. Jumping from random thought to thought is actually a great escape for me. Since it is so much fun to distract myself with everything but the truth. The truth as we all know, is ugly , so we run, as far away from it as we can. We hide behind closed doors and windows, we hide in the streams of Netflix, we hide in our heavenly dreams and in all our health consuming vices.

This, to me, is in itself a distraction. But I allow it, because life needs to be laid out in front of us sometimes so that we can view ourselves from outside. When within doesn't make sense, make it out by bringing it out, to the surface.

(^__^)

I always imagine myself writing a book that starts with

"I was born in a small town called Nagercoil, in a hospital across the road. I go by many earthly names, modifications accumulated over the years.  The sun has been around me not enough times for me to grow lines on my face but I feel the mental lines threatening my existence"

(^__^)

Fears currently haunting me:-

1. I haven't thought of taking something important
2. I have too much stuff that will overload the plane and therefore I might have to leave a bag at the airport
3. Life is not better staying here so I have to move there!
4. I haven't said goodbye to some precious friends
5. I won't miss being home

The Long Moment Heretofore

This is the beginning of the life I will live in a new city, country, continent and language. I wonder how it will be when I land in Italy? I decide to keep an open mind and just worry instead about the days spent packing and preparing for departure. I live in India, and I will be "leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again". I have listened to Jhon Denver so many times to instill in myself the feeling of departure but alas, I feel it not.

I started writing this when my friend suggested it to me before I left. And I will follow through (albeit almost a month late) with her request. Thank you dear friend for the beautiful idea and I hope that I don't disappoint you. My plan is to first catch up with the month delay and then posting every week after that. Wish me luck! I hope that these thoughts are worth your time.

4th September 2016

I'm finally leaving home, everything seems so unreal, is it really happening? I mean, can pieces of paper get me to another geographical location, another world? Another time? Just paper, from trees, and ink from plants, get us to places from the equator to the poles, from the Mariana trench to the moon (so far). What we can accomplish is endless, what we realize is definite, but not until the time comes. Even then it all seems like a a dream, a fading moment, a glimpse of idyllic emotions.

The reality of the situation has clearly not struck me yet. I have been wanting and waiting for a chance to do my Masters degree after I graduated three years ago, and I finally have come to this bridge but I don't feel like it exists yet; It is still under construction, or so I keep telling myself. The land of science, history, art and beautiful people (among many other things) awaits me soon. Too soon?

There are those that stop and think about the moment while it passes, and those who let it go, and just live; they are the ones who truly become human 'beings' not human 'doings'.

But both of these people can regret, both can underestimate or overestimate a moment in the present or in hindsight, neither will revisit the moment, but both can store their memories in a snow globe.

Somehow, moments can never truly tell you who you are, but they can give you insight about a world of opportunities within yourself to lead you on to an inspired life.

These days, sometimes feel like a very long moment.